Welcome to Mercuriadis Gardens

Can you hear the beach yet?

Well, try harder.

Mercuriadis Gardens is a luxurious, fully operational, 100-acre seaside resort in northern California, USA. Our award-eligible facilities are perfect for romantic getaways, anonymous rendez-vouses, corporate retreats, beach trips with close friends, or even a quiet weekend alone. Our secluded, intimate resort offers guests the comforts of home without all of the uncomfortable bits.

Mercuriadis Gardens is neither suspicious nor overly expensive, despite any rumours you might have heard, so let's put those criticisms to bed right now. Speaking of beds, please read the description of our accommodations below.

Our history

Funding. In the 1990s, a British rock and roll band released six albums and embarked on several European and American tours supporting these albums. You might describe this band as highly successful—multi-platinum in terms of sales. However, the manager of the band managed to convince everyone that the band, despite its obvious skill and radio-friendliness, was abysmally unpopular. This white lie allowed the manager to hold the band's earnings, which they had no idea they'd accumulated, in escrow. Naturally, this was done for the good of the band, in case of future emergency. Fans were baffled by reports of low album sales, infrequent airplay and scant record label support. They remain baffled to this day. But again, these reports were fabricated.

Unfortunately, in 2001, the band became discouraged and suspended activity before the manager had a chance to explain the situation. The manager then lost all of their email addresses and contact information. Since he had no means of contacting them to return the millions of dollars of saved money, he decided to use it to establish this resort hotel. This decision allowed him to give back to the community what they (well, other people, mostly) had given to the band.

Please note that, under threat of litigation, you should make no attempt to determine who this band is or to notify said band. Your IP address has been logged and can be traced. Also, do not spread any rumors that lead singers or any other members of the band might have "colluded" with the manager on this resort project. Seriously, he lost all of their emails.

Today, Mercuriadis Gardens stands as a memorial to a band that could have been, and actually was, but, from most people's point of view, wasn't.

Design and architecture. The manager of Mercuriadis Gardens modeled the design of the resort after a picture in a magazine. It was a magazine he treasured deeply because, elsewhere in its pages, it contained a biography and extensive interview with a band that, if you've read this far, you'll probably recognize. That band was Guns 'N' Roses.

Accommodations

Two guests relax and converse in our comfortable, well-decorated lobby.

Lobby and grounds. Our lobby features leather furniture. Some leather furniture is also available outside—look in the areas with tall grass. We offer golf and horseback riding. Also, if you're lucky, you might score a free ride in a Porsche (see the front desk for details). Just about anything can happen at Mercuriadis Gardens as long as you express some sort of desire for it to happen and flexibility in regard to how it happens.

Although Mercuriadis Gardens doesn't feature a restaurant, you'll often find wine, cheese and grapes sitting out in the lobby. Also, there's a Safeway in the nearest town just a few miles down the highway; more wine, cheese and grapes are available for purchase there.

On Friday evenings, we have weiners. Sometimes we also break out the grill.

Our standard beds (available in queen or king sizes).

Regular rooms. Thrilling in their banality, our standard rooms offer a neutral canvas upon which to paint the masterpiece that is your holiday—whether that holiday be romantic or raucous (Note: Painting is not actually permitted in the guest rooms). These rooms include a bed, two lamps, a miniature refrigerator and all of those usual things you see in hotels. However, there are a couple of things that we do better than the competition. First, our televisions offer the full range of available channels (yes, you read correctly: the full range). Additionally, in each room, you will find Sony Discmen and racks loaded with promotional CDs by Morrissey, Jane's Addiction, Elton John and Joss Stone, as well as copies of Guns 'N' Roses' Chinese Democracy. (Note: Do not steal the Sony Discmen! However, feel free to steal the CDs).

We also feature hot tubs in every guest room. The water is changed often.

Our honeymoon suite (not for the squeamish).

Theme-based rooms. For those who wish to have a little paint on their canvas prior to arriving (Note: Once again, this whole "painting" thing is a metaphor), we offer several themed rooms that will set the tone of your holiday and/or communicate a fairly obvious message to any guests that might accompany you to your room.

Theme-based rooms currently include our Honeymoon Suite (pictured to the right), the Pounding Surf Multipurpose Suite, the infamous All Blankets Room (which features no beds but plenty of blankets) and, finally, the Joss Stone Promotional Materials Bungalow.

Accommodations for other guests. Contrary to rumour, limited sleeping quarters for women and children are available (this is, after all, required by law). Please feel free to ask. However, women and children are not allowed on the resort's private beach. If they're really hassling you to find something for them to do, there's a public municipal beach available at a brisk 25-minute walk down the state highway.

Our guests enjoy the sun and cameraderie at our private beach.

Private beach. Our beach is great for jogging, swimming, sunbathing, sightseeing (see the photo), or catching crabs. I suppose some people play handball down there. Or volleyball. I don't know. I don't follow sports.

Furry friends. Dogs are allowed on the beach. Please clean up after them by tossing their shit into areas of the ocean water that have been designated for such use (obey the signage).

Snorkeling. We have equipment available for both outdoor and indoor snorkeling. Please inquire at the front desk for more information.

"Mercuriadis Gardens: We cater to your every need and then some."

Inquiries and reservations

The manager.

I am [name redacted], the manager, promoter and proprietor of Mercuriadis Gardens, the exclusive, yet all-inclusive, oceanside resort about which you have just read.

We are discreet in our arrangements and will maintain privacy. For this reason, we do not have any signage to indicate the location of the property, and we do not accept walk-in or online booking. All reservations must be arranged directly with the proprietor. Please click here to email the manager.

An additional note: Please refrain from mocking this resort or I will have you banned from Texture.